The Bottom of the Bat-Barrel

Hey, remember all that goodwill that Warner Brothers got from the best-selling, critically-acclaimed Batman: Arkham Asylum, the surprise smash hit of 2009 and savior of Batman gaming? Here’s what they’re doing with it.

Yesterday, the world was introduced to what may very well be the all-time worst idea for a video game. Gotham City Impostors is…wait for it…a Batman first-person shooter. No, it’s not a bizarre May-pril Fool’s joke. Yes, they are this fucking desperate, apparently.

Quite obviously, this game makes no sense, even on the simplest conceptual level. “Batman FPS” adds up about as well as “Wolverine Chess” or “Aquaman Space Combat”. Actually, you know what? No. Maybe Wolverine enjoys chess and Aquaman is an accomplished space fighter pilot–I don’t know for sure. What I DO fucking know is that one of Batman’s most significant traits for the last 70-or-so years is that he hates fucking guns and never, ever uses them out of principle.

But oh, oh, oh, they’ve thought of that, haven’t they! It’s not Batman you play as, so it’s ok, dude. The whole game is a multiplayer-only (of course) team-based shooter where one side plays as an army of Batman imposters and the other is a gang of Joker followers (hence the retarded title). So they just run around Gotham streets and shoot it out for their presumably unseen patrons. And while Warner Brothers or whoever is responsible for this train wreck must think that this workaround is pretty clever, it should, again, be quite obvious why this only makes the game even dumber.

It’s a Batman game without Batman. Or the Joker. It’s a game about henchmen, one team of whom their boss would never endorse and would probably bring down himself. It’s another assembly-line shooter with a Batman-themed skin pack. Who in GOD’S NAME would EVER want to play that.

This game represents what must be the absolute lowest possible level of creativity in leveraging a license. Yes, Batman is popular. Yes, team-based multiplayer first-person shooters are popular. That is NOT ENOUGH to justify a combination.

Every time I think I’m desensitized to the absolutely insane horseshit that this console generation has to offer, they go ahead and surprise me again. I honestly could sit down and try to think of some parody of a shitty next-gen game for HOURS and never come up with anything this shameless.

How embarrassing.

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About djsharpecheddar

Have you seen a little girl?
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3 Responses to The Bottom of the Bat-Barrel

  1. Zeus says:

    The “Batman doesn’t use guns” thing is sort of a ret-con.

    As far back as Detective #33 — the comic that introduced Batman’s backstory — Batman pulled a gun in a hallway. Detective #35 opens with a nice big shot of Batman snarling, holding a smoking gun. Heck, in Batman #1, Batman swoops down in some friggin’ Batplane and rains down lead death on a truck of Hugo Strange’s men.

    Batman hunches over the aircraft machine gun and says:

    “As much as I hate to take human life, I’m afraid THIS TIME it’s a necessity.”

    I hate how you don’t play the main characters, but random goobers *inspired* by the main characters (a la the Twisted Metal reboot). This game is a pox on all humanity. But it’s also another case of a new adaptation using elements from a franchise’s past and pissing everyone off because those elements seem unprecedented.

  2. Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t think ignorance of Batman’s history is the problem here, for a couple of reasons.

    1) More people probably know about it than you think. Like me, for instance–it’s why I ballparked it with “for the last 70-so-years” instead of “since his first appearance”, or something similar. I’m guessing that a fair amount of the naysayers are, like me, dimly aware that somewhere about 100,000 issues of Batman ago, he had occasion to shoot a guy now and then, but no one really mentioned it because…

    2) In regards to this game, it’s irrelevant. It isn’t being made in the spirit of those old comics. It’s about Batman wannabes killing Joker wannabes in the modern Batman mythology. From what I’ve read, none of the developers have mentioned ye olde ’30s Batman shooting criminals as an influence on their game. It might as well be a coincidence.

    Maybe I shouldn’t speak for anyone but myself, but I think we’re pissed off because it’s a repugnant idea, not because we’re uninformed.

  3. Sergio says:

    The entire E3 2011 as of today has been an utter travesty, in my opinion. NFS games which look like lost sequences from Heavy Rain, the new ‘Brothers in Arms’ game, and finally Mass Effect 3, to remind us that useless technology (Kinect support) trumps innovation and originality in most games. I also have to cackle sadly at what Dead Island is in fact turning out to be.

    But this, this does take the prize. Even Frank Miller’s Batman didn’t allow the Sons of the Batman to kill criminals. Not to mention just about everything else that’s wrong with this game.

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